He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
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