How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
