its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
