I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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