i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
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