The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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