Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
