I'm gonna have a badass scar
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
