i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
