I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Dude i just saw JT leaving the hospital. He drove there to get fluids because he was too drunk, so they hooked him up to an IV so he didn't get alcohol poisoning. Did I mention he drove there? Oh yea and our roommates in the hospital with alcohol poisoning, she just puked up coal. So many ppl are here, it's like a hospital party, I love spring quarter!
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
