i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
