i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
