So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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