Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
You are the jesus of drinking
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
