when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Randomize
