so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
