see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
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