it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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