I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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