new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Your penis caused this!
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
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