my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
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