covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
