so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
