In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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