Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
