i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
