i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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