He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
