just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
i think we sleep fucked last night...
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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