Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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