I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Randomize
