You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
