remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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