It was confusing and full of hummus
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
