I think I died a long time ago.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
