Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
