I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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