not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
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