Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
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