I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
