I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
