I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
