You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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