Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
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