Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
