nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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