What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
