I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
