There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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