I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
foreskin is a definite game changer
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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