Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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