is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
