the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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