i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
